DIVORCE IS A DIVORCE & A LITTLE MORE
 | |||
| Image courtesy of Stuart Miles/FreeDigitalPhotos.net |
Before you start writing about divorce, you ask yourself if there is anything anyone does not know or has not read about it. If you have nothing new to say, then, what is the point? Since I was married in a communist country in the late '70s, then got divorced in the early '90s in a different land (American) and remarried on that same land, I must have noticed painfully or painlessly the transpiring events -- sometimes being part of them; sometimes analyzing them, running the heck out of them; and, finally, jumping around with heart full of love, getting ready to explode any second. Let's take a look at the latest available data, or rather, what my research was able to provide. These are the statistics from the divorcemag.com, which has used data from US Census Bureau and National Center for Health. Let's consider some of them:
Looking at Dr. Phil's show Statistics from 2003 on Marriage and Divorce, you can find some additional data:
Judging by this data and the sources used, I learned quite a lot. The "Bride's Magazine" is not just a magazine with beautiful brides, wedding planning and fancy wedding locations. They tell you more than you will want to hear at your wedding preparation time. When you get married, you do not plan your divorce and choose your divorce attorney. You believe that if 50% of marriages end up in a divorce, you will be in the other, good 50%, which will be the "in sickness and in health" group. No one can take this away from you. You look in his eyes and you do not see anything bad he can do to you -- you will always love each other and raise your children to love and respect you and others.
But, things do not always end so well. Then come the attorneys, the custody battles, the assets division, the DIVORCE. During all this time, the little or adult creatures - the children - are watching. Is this good, is this bad? Is it for better or for worse? We are to be surprised one day how much they have remembered, or how much you yourself have forgotten in order to protect yourself from pain, or plainly, to just move forward.
Note: I should have made this note from the very beginning. I try to analyze the divorce just by browsing though it. I do not want to write a thesis on the connection between divorce and the influence of the parents' education, the religious beliefs, and other factors. My primary focus falls on the children and the mother in the center of this all. I stick to the data and occasionally share my opinion. Gay marriages are really the "lucky" factor. There are 17 states in the Unites states, where gay marriages are considered legal. Their number will continue to grow. However, we cannot accuse them for the future 'possibly' increased number of divorces, or the aggressive children's behavior.
Looking at the data, I was surprised to find out that the average age of marriage is not that different in Eastern Europe in the late '70s and the respective time in America. There is similarity in the situation of a woman with kids after a divorce, too. If there is no support from family, the children will suffer tremendously. Being a divorced mother in Europe, or never married with a child was an ultimate disgrace (for the woman and the children.) -- it was the same in America. You have to pity a child born out of wedlock; a woman going through a divorce at that time was always considered the guilty party; she was the one who was thought to be a .... (I don't know a civilized word for this.)
Since everyone has advanced education in Eastern Europe, if the marriage goes sour, the assumption is that the mother has to leave her job and take care of the child. The other option is daycare. The father does not babysit. He will not leave his job to watch kids. This is not always related to his pay; this is a societal matter. Luckily, the grandparents are the ones to help. It was and is considered totally normal. Older families are helping out the younger ones.
I am getting to a topic I tried to avoid very hard -- divorce in a foreign country. Divorce abroad means hiding it from the family you left home -- they will feel too sorry for you; hiding the divorce from your co-workers -- crying only in the bathroom; having no one to share it with.... Fighting for yourself, by yourself. In many cases, there is shared custody of the children, but what if you cannot provide the fun and food and movies the father can. What if you are really suffering and does not see the way out. What if you are no longer fun?
The divorce of the immigrants is interesting from the standpoint of its timing -- parents know when to show their egotistic behavior. It occurs when there are cracks in the "house of marriage." They plan it before they come to the foreign land. One of the parties believes that the new land provides new opportunities for success and a chance to build a "new house." The other views it as a way to prove how much better the new land is for s/he for getting out of everything old and starting a new life. Forget the kids! Forget her/him! I did it all! I deserve it!
The worst part is when after the divorce of the parents, all settles down and parents find a second or third happiness, but the children are stuck -- just where you left them -- on the old crappy couch.... Why? They have everything? True, but they have this couch, which no one wants to buy....
- There were approximately 2, 230,000 marriages in 2005 -- down from 2,279,000 the previous year, despite a total population increase of 2.9 million over the same period.
The divorce rate in 2005 (per 1000 people) was 3.6 -- the lowest rate since 1970, down from 4.2 in 2000....
The marriage rate in 2005 (per 1000) was 7.5, down from 7.8 the previous year.
- 8.1% of coupled households consist of unmarried heterosexual partners, according to The State of Our Unions 2005, a report issued by the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University. The same study said that only 63% of American children grow up with both biological parents-- the lowest figure in the Western world. As of 2003, 43.7% of custodial mothers and 56.2% of custodial fathers were either separated or divorced. And in 2002, 7.8 million Americans paid about $40 billion in child and/or spousal support (84% of the payers were male).
Looking at Dr. Phil's show Statistics from 2003 on Marriage and Divorce, you can find some additional data:
- The average age of a woman getting married in the United States is 27. Bride's Magazine. "The average age of a man getting married in the United States is 29." Bride's Magazine.
- 88 percent of American men and women between the ages of 20 and 29 believe that they have a soulmate who is waiting for them." University Wire, Louisiana State University.
- 60 percent of marriages for couples between the ages of 20 and 25 end in divorce. " National Center for Health Statistics
65 percent of altar-bound men and women live together before getting married." Bride's Magazine
- Children of divorce have a higher risk of divorce when they marry, and an even higher risk if the person they marry comes from a divorced home. One study found that when the wife alone had experienced a parental divorce, her odds of divorce increased to 59 percent. When both spouses experienced parental divorce, the odds of divorce nearly tripled to 189 percent. " Journal of Marriage and the Family."
 | |||
| Image courtesy of Stuart Miles/Free Digital Photos.net |
But, things do not always end so well. Then come the attorneys, the custody battles, the assets division, the DIVORCE. During all this time, the little or adult creatures - the children - are watching. Is this good, is this bad? Is it for better or for worse? We are to be surprised one day how much they have remembered, or how much you yourself have forgotten in order to protect yourself from pain, or plainly, to just move forward.
Note: I should have made this note from the very beginning. I try to analyze the divorce just by browsing though it. I do not want to write a thesis on the connection between divorce and the influence of the parents' education, the religious beliefs, and other factors. My primary focus falls on the children and the mother in the center of this all. I stick to the data and occasionally share my opinion. Gay marriages are really the "lucky" factor. There are 17 states in the Unites states, where gay marriages are considered legal. Their number will continue to grow. However, we cannot accuse them for the future 'possibly' increased number of divorces, or the aggressive children's behavior.
Looking at the data, I was surprised to find out that the average age of marriage is not that different in Eastern Europe in the late '70s and the respective time in America. There is similarity in the situation of a woman with kids after a divorce, too. If there is no support from family, the children will suffer tremendously. Being a divorced mother in Europe, or never married with a child was an ultimate disgrace (for the woman and the children.) -- it was the same in America. You have to pity a child born out of wedlock; a woman going through a divorce at that time was always considered the guilty party; she was the one who was thought to be a .... (I don't know a civilized word for this.)
Since everyone has advanced education in Eastern Europe, if the marriage goes sour, the assumption is that the mother has to leave her job and take care of the child. The other option is daycare. The father does not babysit. He will not leave his job to watch kids. This is not always related to his pay; this is a societal matter. Luckily, the grandparents are the ones to help. It was and is considered totally normal. Older families are helping out the younger ones.
I am getting to a topic I tried to avoid very hard -- divorce in a foreign country. Divorce abroad means hiding it from the family you left home -- they will feel too sorry for you; hiding the divorce from your co-workers -- crying only in the bathroom; having no one to share it with.... Fighting for yourself, by yourself. In many cases, there is shared custody of the children, but what if you cannot provide the fun and food and movies the father can. What if you are really suffering and does not see the way out. What if you are no longer fun?
The divorce of the immigrants is interesting from the standpoint of its timing -- parents know when to show their egotistic behavior. It occurs when there are cracks in the "house of marriage." They plan it before they come to the foreign land. One of the parties believes that the new land provides new opportunities for success and a chance to build a "new house." The other views it as a way to prove how much better the new land is for s/he for getting out of everything old and starting a new life. Forget the kids! Forget her/him! I did it all! I deserve it!
The worst part is when after the divorce of the parents, all settles down and parents find a second or third happiness, but the children are stuck -- just where you left them -- on the old crappy couch.... Why? They have everything? True, but they have this couch, which no one wants to buy....
.jpg) |
| Image courtesy of mrpuen/FreeDigitalPhotos.net |
No comments:
Post a Comment