THE THREE SECONDS

Picture by Frank Bryan

                     THE THREE SECONDS

I was not planning to write about a seizure disorder today. This is the medical condition I suffer from as a result of a viral brain infection. I was not born with it, but I live with it through all the brain cells' thunder and lightening. The brain cells fight with each other; they do not discharge energy the way they should, they keep firing and firing; they try to tear you up, just like the gusty winds two nights ago - they bang on the windows, growl, shake the front door. 

There is no spring, no summer, no season for the seizures. There is no inappropriate moment. You can't say, "Ms. Epilepsy, please come back later. I have company." The cells of the brain do not always carry out their electrical communication in peace and harmony. There is some politics going on." This is how I described the seizure disorder, or epilepsy, in my book Seize the Seizures. Treating "Ms. Epilepsy" as a living and breathing part of me turned her into the best therapy I could get (in addition to the big bag of pills.)

There are many types of seizures. Some are very violent; some give you a chance to keep a part of your brain in action. Through the years, I got to the point of having not the most mean ones. But two nights ago, I don't know why, Ms. Epilepsy was very cruel. It took me a whole day to recover.

According to my husband "the visit" lasted several seconds. A girlfriend of mine wanted to know "What happens during these Satanic seconds?"

First second: I am conscious. I stop breathing; my whole body gets stiff. I cannot talk, but try to make some noise; the body jerks, like trying to escape from a force -- bigger and stronger.... What is around me looks very blurred. I feel the hand of my husband rubbing my back and whispering "Breathe, breathe!" If he is asleep, I say to myself,"You are on your own. You have to fight!" I have no strength to touch him and talk.... I don't know, maybe I really want to be a hero, because I do not think clearly.

Second second: Like the first, but it gets stronger; the numbness takes over a bigger part of the body, I feel the lack of air closing my throat, choking me; repetitive movements of the body, struggle with my body and my head. Over and over. The fear and anxiety settles in.

Third second: I get weaker and weaker. The world gets darker and darker. I may black out briefly, but I am still capable of thinking that I have to start breathing. 

I always do! Rarely, I don't and lose consciousness.Very rarely.

But in this last one, I kind of gave up on myself. I just laid on мy back and "was ready." Then, all of a sudden (per Gary's description), just at a snap of a finger, I started breathing.  

It took a day to recover, but today I am writing. Hey, life goes on!

I listen to a lot of music. This song describes best the mixture of this 3 seconds of life - mixture of music, feelings, being alive.... I chose The Piano Guys with their Disney's "Frozen" to bring back my happy, happy after the three seconds and one day after....